Cro-Magnon, the brown skinned menace, continued their illegal immigration into our homeland yesterday. Calling themselves the “Children of Adam,” these creatures are said to have freakishly large brains and calves the size of cantaloupes. . . . Click the title for more.
“Those Arabs are tricky,” This reporter heard the Trump cry as we headed down south to defend Texas from the ISIS hordes that threaten our birthright. “If not for their big noses, we could not tell them from the run of the mill rapists and murderers that swarm across our borders every day. They do not just want to steal our minimum wage food service jobs and pay our regressive taxes. They want our virgins, and we barely have enough to keep me in mistresses.” . . . Click the title for more.
Star Date: Before you know it.
Reporting from the Starship Boobyprise.
Obergruppenfuhrer Trump in command.
The United Confederation of Planets is sending us to the Romulan Neutral Zone to stop those murders and rapists from swarming across the border.
“But, I thought I was getting tail,” a frustrated Trump complained to this reporter. “And now I find out that this is the episode where Bones Sanders gets boned. Can that Christ killer even use his shriveled up shlong? Mine is yooge.”. . . Click the title for more.
After the cool, weak and endlessly nuanced Obama, no wonder voters are going for a strong, blunt leader.
–Bobby Jindal (Translation: Trump’s fascism is a result of Obama’s weakness)
Obama has been our first emperor. A Donald Trump presidency, far from reversing the ruling class’s unaccountable hold over American life, would seal it.
–The Federalist (Translation: Trump’s fascism is a result of Obama’s dictatorship)
Trump’s vacillating strength is a result of Obama’s feckless tyranny.
–Lindsey Cotler (Translation: Up is down, black is white)
. . . Click the title for more.
“You call this an exorcism?” Donald “I am Legion” Trump said. “I can do a really classy purge of Obama and get Mexico to pay for it.” . . . Click the title for more.
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In an astounding display of political courage, Donald “The Prince of Pique” Trump has kidnapped Megan Kelly and climbed to the top of Trump Tower. “It’s all about respect,” His megalomaniacy declared. “During the Vietnam war, our feckless military wouldn’t let me go kill gooks because they said I had a foot problem. But, I’ll have no problem putting my foot down and taking back our military. Then, wrap myself in Wounded Warriors, and dare Fox to pry Megan Kelly our their cold dead fingers.”. . . Click the title for more.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Donald “God-you-guys-are-suckers” Trump told this reporter yesterday, “The Bible is a great series, and I can’t wait for the next book to come out, but that loser, Christ? He is a hero because they put him on a cross? I like biblical heroes who weren’t captured. Like the way Moses bombed the sh*t out of the ISIS chariots when they tried to cross the Red Sea.” . . . Click the title for more.
Terrified by terror, French president Francois Hollande resurrected his France’s greatest weapon: Napoleon. Holland’s president Hollande Francois applauded, “So he looks like Donald Trump? America has to solve Europe’s problems. Who better than the man who took on Rosie O’Donnell?” . . . Click the title for more.