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Cruz Defends Newanderthal York from Cro-Magnon Immigrants

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I stand before you, in drag, proud to be an American.

I stand before you, in drag, proud to be an American.

Aging Liberal Hack, Neanderthal Edition

Cro-Magnon, the brown-skinned menace, continued their illegal immigration into our homeland yesterday. Calling themselves the “Children of Adam,” these creatures are said to have freakishly large brains and calves the size of cantaloupes.

Ted Cruz, however, has come to our fair-skinned city to save the day! “Bullshitty!” Teddy shouted as he led his band of tea party “Rough Riders,” in a charge up Murray Hill.

Later, the Republican’s Savior sat down over a bowl of Junior’s mammoth stew, to talk about it with this reporter. “They claim that by the end of the ice age, they will replace us Neanderthals. But I say, global warming is a hoax, and the ice age will never end!”

“These homeless Homos,” Ted continued, using a derogatory term for the Homo Sapiens Cro-Magnon, “are behind the recent crime wave. Caves all over the West Side have been discovered defaced by graffiti, their so called, ‘Cave Paintings’.”

When reminded that immigrants built NY, Ted replied, “When my ancestors came here, during the Homo Erectus migration out of Africa, we weren’t looking for welfare or to steal jobs. We were content to work the land we “acquired” from the Injuns. So, to hell with Darwin! The Homos say they want to assimilate, but they are really looking to replace us, with their pathogens and “advanced technology.”

One Rough Rider, who refrained from identifying himself for fear his paranoid delusions would become general knowledge said, “If only Clinton hadn’t lied about Benghazi, we’d have fewer illegals. Then, perhaps, there wouldn’t be so many of them.”

Aging Liberal Hack will keep you up to date as this story evolves.

Trump Defends the Alamo

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Lie Ala Mode

Lies Ala Mode

“Those Arabs are tricky,” This reporter heard the Trump cry as we headed down south to defend Texas from the ISIS hordes that threaten our birthright. “If not for their big noses, we could not tell them from the run of the mill rapists and murderers that swarm across our borders every day. They do not just want to steal our minimum wage food service jobs and pay our regressive taxes. They want our virgins, and we barely have enough to keep me in mistresses.”

“Real America,” Vinegar Ted Cruz added. “Below the Mason-Dixon line, is where I have seen hard working young men denied their disability checks because brownies took all the field jobs. Back when America was great, The Blacks picked our cotton. Now, Arabs wrap their heads in it to wage their war on Christmas. And, it is only when they start throwing bombs that you can tell they’re not Mexicans. Have you ever had an Arab taco? Filled with humus and covered in cuscus, they taste disgusting. Next thing you know, there will be a Falafel Bell on every corner.”

“Build baby build,” Sara “Twiggy” Palin cried in her valiant struggle against reality. “Hockey moms and Joe six-packs from all over will show the world how much we cherish our 12-hour shifts for sub-minimum wages. Don-don’s wall will keep foreigners like Geraldo from taking my Fox news job. Let him earn his own conservative entertainment complex paycheck instead of taking mine, with his Sharia law. We want God’s law in the country God gave us after he realized what a mistake it was to give it to Injun Joe. Injuns are only good for baseball logos and running casinos on sacred ground. Just ask the Donald. He ran a number of casinos into the sacred ground.”

“I’m a job creator,” Donald Shtup bragged. “Blessed by the all mighty through sacred luck to decide the jobs commoners should do. It is for the common good, my bottom-line. Like Solomon Brothers, I will separate the Cubans from the Mexicans and Arabs, because the Cubans can stay but the Mexicans and Arabs must go. When the Egyptians unemployed the Jews, did they steal jobs from other countries? No, they parted some H2O visas and swam to their own country. When they got to Jericho, did they blow their horns and wail over the spilled wall? No, they killed the Jerries and all their animals.”

Star Trump the Next Degeneration

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Star TrumpStar Date: Before you know it.

Reporting from the Starship Boobyprise.

Obergruppenfuhrer Trump in command.

The United Confederation of Planets is sending us to the Romulan Neutral Zone to stop those murders and rapists from swarming across the border.

“But, I thought I was getting tail,” a frustrated Trump complained to this reporter. “And now I find out that this is the episode where Bones Sanders gets boned. Can that Christ killer even use his shriveled up shlong? Mine is yooge.”

When reminded that this was a mercy mission, Herr Trump replied, “I hope that doesn’t mean I can’t use my Demagogic 3000. It’s a liberal scapegoating device that allows me to channel contrived indignation over manufactured injustice. At its core is a xenophobic coil with tirade enhanced rage injection. When set to turbo-blame, it allows Republicans to ignore logic and consistency in simultaneously denouncing Obama over everything.”

“And don’t get me started on those Klingon Lives Matter thugs,” Trump fumed as he got started. “Don’t they know All White Lives Matter? From ginger freaks to Greek gods with hair of gold like me. What other “free stuff” do they want to take from us? First, they take our jobs to pay our taxes. Next, they ruin our schools with their rodent offspring. Before you know it, we all have to press “1” for English.”

“If those little rats want a quality education, they should check out Trump University. It’s completely free, just $30,000. In addition, you get a complimentary chip to my casino, where everyone wins. You’ll win so much, you’ll get bored from your head spinning.”

Trump’s Creator Revealed

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Make America Hate Again

Make America Hate Again

After the cool, weak and endlessly nuanced Obama, no wonder voters are going for a strong, blunt leader.

–Bobby Jindal (Translation: Trump’s fascism is a result of Obama’s weakness)

Obama has been our first emperor. A Donald Trump presidency, far from reversing the ruling class’s unaccountable hold over American life, would seal it.

–The Federalist (Translation: Trump’s fascism is a result of Obama’s dictatorship)

Trump’s vacillating strength is a result of Obama’s feckless tyranny.

–Lindsey Cotler (Translation: Up is down, black is white)

Ted Cruz Exorcises America – Obama’s Legacy Purged from Uncle Sam

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No Cruz is good Cruz

No Cruz is good Cruz

“You call this an exorcism?” Donald “I am Legion” Trump said. “I can do a really classy purge of Obama and get Mexico to pay for it.”

Scalia Murder Mystery – Disguised Assassin Still At Large

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Supreme Wart

Supreme Wart

Trump Kidnaps Megan Kelly – Takes his toys and goes home

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'Taws Kelly killed the beast

‘Taws Kelly killed the beast

In an astounding display of political courage, Donald “The Prince of Pique” Trump has kidnapped Megan Kelly and climbed to the top of Trump Tower. “It’s all about respect,” His megalomaniacy declared. “During the Vietnam war, our feckless military wouldn’t let me go kill gooks because they said I had a foot problem. But, I’ll have no problem putting my foot down and taking back our military. Then, wrap myself in Wounded Warriors, and dare Fox to pry Megan Kelly our their cold dead fingers.”

 

“What about Ted Bundy and our brave boys under siege at the Oregon wildlife refuge?” Ted Cruz asked. “Why isn’t Megan Kelly down there helping out with snacks? But, no. Megan Kelly has blood coming out her whatever.”

 

Mike Huckabee, teetering on the event horizon of irrelevancy, commented for Ben Carson, who could not be resuscitated: “How have those two heathens split the evangelicals and left us nothing? We haven’t been able to sell an ounce of gold in weeks.”

 

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Christ off Cross – GOP Chooses Trump Instead

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Donald H. Trump on a pogo stick

Donald H. Trump on a pogo stick

“Don’t get me wrong,” Donald “God-you-guys-are-suckers” Trump told this reporter yesterday, “The Bible is a great series, and I can’t wait for the next book to come out, but that loser, Christ? He is a hero because they put him on a cross? I like biblical heroes who weren’t captured. Like the way Moses bombed the sh*t out of the ISIS chariots when they tried to cross the Red Sea.”

Ted “Face-dipped-in-vinegar” Cruse agreed, “Christ says we should turn the other cheek and not carpet bomb civilians. That leftist would shy away from atrocities. But I say we should precision carpet bomb ISIS troops. Not the cities mind you, just the people. Shouldn’t Arabs die to satisfy sacred redneck rage?”

Desperately trying to keep up with the manufactured hysteria, Marco “Boy-child” Rubio added: “I’d kill more Arabs than Ted, and a boat load of Persians, too. What choice do we have? Iran signed a treaty with Obama that requires any republican president to start the bombing on day one.”

 

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War on Christmas Rocks NY – ISIS Promotes Starbucks, Hitler Demurs

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ISIS, you sis, we all piss on ISIS

ISIS, you sis, we all piss on ISIS

French Clone Napoleon to Fight ISIS – Flawed Copy Resembles Donald Trump

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The emperor has no brain

The emperor has no brain

Terrified by terror, French president Francois Hollande resurrected his France’s greatest weapon: Napoleon. Holland’s president Hollande Francois applauded, “So he looks like Donald Trump? America has to solve Europe’s problems. Who better than the man who took on Rosie O’Donnell?”

“We’ll defeat ISIS,” the Donald Trump Napoleon clone announced. “Not by taking away their second amendment rights to purchase weapons of mass destruction, but by setting up camps in Syria where we can concentrate these refugees. Then it’s Prussia’s turn.”

“Concentration camps for Semites?” an Adolf Hitler clone, brought back to counter Napoleon mused. “Why didn’t I think of that?”

“Two years of vetting won’t expose a determined terrorist,” JEB! shouted to be relevant. “But we should accept anyone who say’s they’re a Christian. Just show them a picture of an Hasidic Jew next to an Abortion Doctor and ask who they’d shoot first.”

The Napoleon Clone agreed, “Don’t get me wrong, I love Syrian refugees. Many fine Syrian refugees work for me. In fact, I will win the Syrian refugee vote by such a yooge margin, it’ll make your head spin.”

 

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