Charlton Heston’s Ghost Sighted Crashing Tea Party


"I'm not an animal. I'm a free man!"

“I’m not an animal. I’m a free man!”


An Aging Liberal Hack Exclusive

Charlton Heston’s Ghost was seen going into a Tea Party rally today. “I’m tired of heaven,” the movie star and ex NRA president told this reporter. “Firearms and brimstone are banned and St. Peter pried the gun from my cold dead fingers!”
When asked what he was doing at the rally, Mr. Heston replied, “I’m here to show my support for all the persecuted Christians senior citizens of America. We’re sick of all our hard earned social security being stolen by the government in taxes. It’s like Nazi Germany the way elderly, privileged white men are treated. And don’t get me started on Medicare!”
Addressing the enduring popularity of Planet of the Apes, Mr. Heston said, “I would’ve preferred a blond leading lady, not one with hairy underarms. After all, it’s not an Italian western! The Ten Commandments, now there was a movie. But I never understood why Moses brought Jews along. Why not lead the oppressed, white Christians out of Egypt?
Having concluded the interview, Mr. Heston turned and tripped over his own feet. “Don’t tread on me!” he cried. “I believe in liberty and family values. But today’s beatniks think freedom means being able to do whatever you please. Don’t the hippies smoking medical marijuana in church realize that my friend God only approves of alcohol, tobacco, and firearms? And God hates fags! But now we’ve got gays in the scouts molesting young boys when they should be down on their knees praying and following the example of their local priest. And homo epidemic has spread from the movies to our military. There are even homos in the NRA. Like that Wayne LaPierre guy.”
When informed that Wayne LaPierre was not openly gay, Mr. Heston replied, “He’s French, isn’t he?”

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