Aging Liberal Hack has learned that ISIS (pronounced icies), the terrorist group that invented the death-flavored snow cone, is seeking the Dark Lord’s Ring of Power to destroy the Shire (read your home town) and target your family. The Homeland Security official leaking this breaking news stressed that the Dark Lord was identified as NOT being Dick Cheney.
“The most helpful thing a citizen can now do is panic,” said the official, who declined to be identified because he wasn’t authorized to spread rumors. “Pack up the family and head for a state with a republican governor who can keep you safe.”
Other statesmen are suggesting more drastic measures. John McCain said, “We can’t take any chances. We need to remove the fifth estate; I mean the columnists, fifth columnists that is. I’d start with the intellectuals. Then set up camps for Jews, gays, the disabled and meddlesome priests. Oh, and don’t forget the gypsies.”
When asked about the suggestion that taxes be raised to place the nation on a war footing, Mr. McCain replied, “Read my lips, no new taxes. Do you want to become like Nazi Germany?”