Demons of Hell, tired of paying high tariffs for their iPhones, rejoiced today as the Devil concluded his legacy enhancing trade pact with President Obama. Republicans in America, however, were confused and terrified.
“Plutocrats love any trade deal,” JEB! admitted. “But how can any red-blooded republican support anything that Obama’s done. That’s blasphemy.”
The Donald agreed, “Don’t get me wrong, I love the demons, and many fine demons work for me. In fact, I will win the demon vote by such a yooge margin; you’ll get tired of having your head spin. I built a classy wall for Satan with a fantastic door. They paid me a lot of money to put this terrific sign on it, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” I even came up with the “ye,” part. But, this trade pact was negotiated by an atheist Muslim, and atheists don’t even believe in Hell.
Hillary Clinton snuggled up to Berne Sanders to email her opposition. “There’s no provision for the manipulation of hell’s currency: souls. It hurts hard-working Americans when Hell devalues their currency. These days, a soul isn’t worth the image whose likeness it was created in.”
In a second twist, Mitch McConnell came out in support, “Obama should never be allowed to make an international deal without 2/3 of the senate to ratify it,” he said. “However, this is a pact, not a deal. It keeps my corporate masters happy and has the added benefit of reducing the wages of middle class workers. That’s the problem with middle-class laborers, all 47% of them want free stuff.”
President Obama also defended his deal, “I have no illusions that Satan is evil. But, who among us can judge his lifestyle choice, or cast the first Hail Marry? Hell may be the leading state sponsor of terrorism, but this pact will reintegrate them back into the community of nations and the carnival of souls. In 15 years, demons may decide to stop chanting “Death to America,” and become tourists. Why not? The Pope did.
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