Donald Trump announced today that Chris Christie will be in his 2016 Miss Confederacy beauty pageant, “I’m pleased the Governor decided to throw his porcine weight behind my pageant after NBC pulled out. From now on, Christie is an honoree Confederate Governor, even if his state is a cesspool.”. . . Click the title for more.
In a deal with the devil only the Donald could pull off, Jefferson Davis was resurrected today to host the first Confederate Flag Tribute Extravaganza (and luxury condo open house.) “History is important,” Davis’ statement read. “Our children should be taught with songs and pageantry about the wonderful adventure that cost 600,000 lives. The fact that it was always hopeless only makes it more glorious that so many died. . . Click the title for more.
Donald Trump, the last living Brill Cream model, announced today the fruits of his extensive research of the President’s birth. “Obama originated on his father Jor-El’s home planet of Kryptenya. His name only appeared in Hawaiian papers as preparation for the alien invasion.”. . . Click the title for more.
Il Duce has made it official and will seek to succeed Ronald Reagan as the official Republican Pontiff. “I think young people are ready to re-embrace fascism,” Hitler’s plucky sidekick told this reporter. “Doesn’t every modern debate end with one person calling the other a Fascist or Nazi? I’m hoping they’re correct, and backing it up with familiar conservative policy:”. . . Click the title for more.
In a stunning blow to US exceptionalism, the spiritual leader of ISIS, Abu al-Baghdadi, won Dancing with the Stars’ coveted mirror ball trophy with his patented Irish Hop Jig. “It’s simply amazing,” one millennial told this reporter, “that Abu can move his legs with such fury, yet keep his upper body perfectly still.”. . . Click the title for more.
Shocked by rumors that Oprah Winfrey would lead FEMA troops in devouring Texas – actually eating the lone star state, the Republican party of Texas resurrected Hermann Goering, the fattest man ever to defend white power. Deutschland Uber Alles is now Douchebag Goober Malice. . . Click the title for more.
Jeb of Arc began his campaign today to drive the memory of brother George W. from the sacred soil of Paris, Iowa. “Citizens of Paris,” the Maid of Tampa announced as the ghost of presidents past hovered over him, “Today I am my own man and I have nothing to do with the Bush family, it’s cadre of donors, or all the money they’ve given my campaign. And I’m a passionate conservative, not a compassionate one.”. . . Click the title for more.
An infestation of communist shirkers and Muslim anti-colonialists, Hillary’s Coalition of the Ascendant, sailed into the Port of Washington yesterday led by the Dragon Lady herself. Jumping into Hill’s Scooby Van they found their path blocked by the fearless Mitch McConnell and his Coalition of the Dependents, named after the undergarments so many of them wear. . . Click the title for more.
Hillary Clinton was seized at the House Benghazi hearings today by a troop of tea party apes screaming, “You maniac, you blew it up!” Master chimp and Defender of the Faith, Rush “Dr. Zaius” Limbaugh readied a series of medical experiments. “My work is very important,” Rush told this reporter. “I’m trying to determine how many times a woman can recover from a trumped-up allegation before the brain damage is permanent.”. . . Click the title for more.